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Grasping at Truth
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Vanessa Cromerica's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]
Tuesday, July 13th, 2004
2:11 am
2:02 am
Me me me conan does this check out
I have issues with...

also my stupid test results:
· Confident and driven
· Enthusiastic, energetic _ _ _ a fervent believer and promoter
· Like challenges and people
· Intends to be friendly and social, tends to be bossy and controlling
· Has strong feelings and opinions about other people
· Sees self as committed to relationships but distrusts others intentions
· Wants to be flexible, tends to be closed to compromise and unyielding
· May say or do things that (unintentionally) hurt or embarrass others
· Tough-minded and inflexible; sees self as more flexible and open-minded
· Very decisive; impatient, in a hurry; very high sense of urgency
· A risk-taker; likes excitement; enjoys challenging projects and tasks
· Likes to be creative, innovate
· Unconventional, non-conforming, rebellious
· Sets high standards; persistent and determined
· Likes to think; likes to find and solve problems; likes to learn
· Sees self as cooperative; but not generally the profile of a team player
· Intends to be a good listener to others, tends to be preoccupied with own agenda
Likes to laugh, clever, can be quick-witted
Monday, May 10th, 2004
2:03 am
The Weekend to Begin all Weekends
We all had such a great weekend! I felt like writing a scene for a movie every 15 minutes. Lets all remember back to when we were all sitting on the stoop of Toms house, with Tom throwing up on the porch and Amanda holding her own hair back. That is one of those defining moments. Theres a lot of days and circumstances that get lost from my mind in time, but when I think of Spring quarter Saturdays, I will always have that.

In fact, with all the pummeling forward we do I get worried about losing a lot of things. Thats why I like to take pictures and notes. Robert Frost said "you never take notes during a love affair" but I do. Thats probably why I was always so scared to break up with Thrasher. I don't want to remove anything from my life ever. And hes so important. But hes gone now.

I lost the card he gave me for our anniversary. I should have known we were doomed on a count of how funny it was. And how it was not one bit romantic. Anyways I don't think I was wrong when I said I loved Thrasher. I just didn't understand it. It was the same love that I have for Conan and for my childhood. and daisy and gene. it was just a rejoice that they exist. I have always believed that the love that is sung about is not a love that you can instinctively FEEL the way high schoolers and romantics call it. To those people you feel your love the way you feel hungry or tired. and even those things get complicated when you can't sleep or overeat. i always thought that Love was what hung up Thrasher and I. I guess I can let it off the hook in this case because we simply weren't right for eachother. The day you figure out what you need is the day you figure out how to be happy. I figure since Im in rare the position to give advice I might as well milk it: never settle.

I once put a past love on a pedestal. Tonight i take him down and put Thrasher there. And the time when I met him and we hugged for the clash. And the bum we bought Mirror Lake for on our first date. And the Granny's at Tee Jayes on our last. And when we watched the Sandlot on the Oval. and when he passed out at my dorm and left a note apologizing (i wish i had that note). and fort knox and fort sumpter. and bongos. Even though our relationship was probably over a long time ago. I sure am glad we were too stupid to do anything about it. I'll miss you Thrasher.


Current Mood: sentimental and so awake
Friday, May 7th, 2004
2:16 pm
Soldier on, soldier
I come back to live journal from an extended absence (IM AT WORK RIGHT NOW PLAYAS) and find Tom singing the hills are alive with the sound of music, and keenan throwing dead puppies to the wayside. And then there's the abstract simplified conversation about doing something 'important' in our lives. anyways I replied to a post of conans, which was a reply to nathans post, which was inspired by tom's initial post with all the questions. im sure you are all sick of the topic, and honestly i didnt have time to read all of nathans and toms posts (IM AT WORK RIGHT NOW PLAYAS) but i replied to conan, and it took so much time and energy (i made an outline on scrap paper. hey im weird and bored and slow) so im putting it in my post so people will see it.

subject: Where's Marx when you need him?
"I always struggled with the idea that some people seem to do things that are more important than other people. It sounds kind of elitist, but most of us, for example, would think that a doctor does much more important work than a garbage man. " Thats called social stratification and its what America/capitalism is founded on. Not to mention one of the key characteristics of human culture. So its not just 'your struggle' dude.

also "we owe it to our society and to our community and to eachother to get off our asses and go into the world, do the best job we can do" I would argue that we don't really owe anything. Every job we could have serves some function- the garbage man, the teacher, the doctor, the maintenance man, mailperson. Therefore, how can we be in debt to the society that we perpetuate? I know that this is not news to you. But I would argue that of those jobs are 'fully involved in the world around us."

Here is the problem with your argument, and the main issue with stratification. On the one hand you criticize the elitism of social stratification ("your struggle") and on the other hand you imply that in order to be important/valued we need to fulfill the elite positions (we owe it to society..to do the best we can do..fulfill civic duties).


Friday Kate and Conan are coming home. Kate expects a ticker tape parade and Conan expects a party in his honor. Both of them will receive a noogie and a coupon.

I was replying to Keenans post which was a very personal one. I was thinking about why I replied the way I did (no comfort, just discussion in how I understood as much as I can). I nkow this is no revolutionary news, but when I thought about why that was the best approach I was reminded at how yesterday, my coworker Christine confided to me that she is an over-thinker, hopelessly self-concious and cerebral. (ok those were not her exact words but you get the point). and that couldnt have made me happier. although i differ from her in that I dont mind sitting in the vertical-alligned seats on the bus, requiring me to inadvertently stare at people and I have no problem nodding off like a fool in class, I was so happy to know that I am not alone in my analyzations and dumb social worries. and gene's story about the cafeteria (a classic) serves just the same purpose. I ve retold it on several occasions.

i am going to faint today i know it. i havent eaten, went to bed at 4:30 and yesterday all I ate were cheez-it twisters (in 2 flavors, cheddar and more cheddar) wheat thins, choc pudding, a yogurt and m and ms. i also have to put a trash bag in my trash can to prepare for the vomit later tonight.

its raining and thundering and i am thinking of poor keenan right now.

-Vanessa Wyclef Jean

Current Mood: ugly
Monday, April 19th, 2004
3:50 pm
Writing while wearing a scarf.
I apologize in advance for the tedium of this entry.

1 possible explanation: an increase in lame stimuli - bad tv, office job, dreary weather and shitty classes. at least i am wearing a scarf. aye.

anyways, mark this (my words) on a calendar of some sort! i have achieved a personal victory - I am online WHILE AT WORK! sorry for those of you with jobs in the fast-paced coffee-making world (tom you do not need to explain any further! :) smiley face) but i am now officially THAT GUY. hey i have put in my time (3 years) in the fast-food industry. Distributed jean pants into boxes for 9 straight hours and even cleaned bathrooms at a large concert venue. so i allow myself to pat myself on the back .....and relax. STOP. here is that sentence again in poem form:

i allow myself
to pat myself
on the back.

well i am writing an entry just for a lark because i am being paid 6.50 an hour. but there is no aim on this comp as of yet. however my associate Christine (...pause while i think of a celebrity to describe her....FUCK I WILL HAVE TO USE WORDS.
brown hair
anti social
bob marley, jimmi hendrix and jessica simpson fan
checked out two seasons of the bachelor, the cbs, nbc (scrubs is TUES @ 9:30) fox and abc websites and some mitch hedberg quotes.a. time well spent b. time poorly spent c.six dollars for a conversation about my big fat obnoxious fiance and that cameron clearly wants brad!> I sporadically burst out with multiple choice hits so pay attention!

poem by e.e.cummings (in a genius move had his name officially changed to all lower-case)






(hint: loneliness)

here's e.e.cummings writing about his writing:
"At least my theory of technique, if I have one, is very far from
original; nor is it complicated. I can express it in fifteen words, by
quoting The Eternal Question And Immortal Answer of burlesk, viz.
"Would you hit a woman with a child?--No, I'd hit her with a brick."

in other news the misgivings about mine and Thrasher's relationship have abounded again.
Here is an example of what el-oh-vee-eey should be:

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands.

(that is again, from an e.e. cummings poem)

here's a lesser example, but relevant nevertheless:
And when I touch you
in each of the places we meet,

in all of the lives we are, it's with hands that are dying
and resurrected.
When I don't touch you it's a mistake in any life,
in each place and forever.

ofcourse these are not mine and thrasher's. ours is a pale and hungover love that gets fired from its job due to lack of ethic.

i will keep you updated. i should also mention it is technically not a Love since both members have yet to delegate it as such. our one-year anniversary is in a matter of weeks. here is a thought directly related to the last one: anniversary is most likely derived from the french word annee which means a year. so couples who celebrate their 'anniversaries' monthly are officially bullshit. whoops sorry G_ _ _ . no offense.

here is something for nathan and keenan who vaguely participated in the vague debate about whether math was art.

I think
staying up and waiting
for paintings to sigh is science. In another dimension this
is exactly what's happening,

it's what they write grants about: the chromodynamics
of mournful Whistlers,
the audible sorrow and beta decay of Old Battersea Bridge.

from bob hicok again. Old Battersea bridge was a bridge over Thames River linking Battersea to Chelsea in north-west England. It was the subject of a Painting by whistler. at this point I am simply wasting time at work and it feels as delicious as a ripe cheeto.

get this: i have midterms tues, wed, and thurs! plus a poem due wednesday. why did I take such a retarded winter quarter! 2 poetry classes and a class about art and pop music???

so long. farewell. i have to toot.

Current Mood: scarftastic
Tuesday, April 13th, 2004
9:46 pm
Reigning Queen of Online Satire
MAKING fun of peoples profiles provides me with endless hours of superiority. I mean fun.
You've seen these before:

Happiness is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and
it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Those aren't so bad. But there are millions of them and most are just plain retarded. I even made one up in my profile. (in a brilliant move I mocked the ___ is like ____ format AND insulted people who give shout outs to the deceased in their profiles! a double whammy I believe, is what the amish call it) But now YOU at home can have YOUR VERY OWN RETARDED _____ is like _______ truism!

here is how:

choose a word from the wordbank below:
GROUP ONE: yeast infections, gingivitis, Ryan Seacrest, Cooler Ranch Doritos, Kermit the Frog, kneecaps, Ayn Rand, PB and J Crustables, nose goblins, kory burnside's left testicle, Tommy Tutone, NATTY LIght, the hokey pokey, The Monster Mash (it was a graveyard smash), Eva Savalot, the word "w00t", taco salad

GROUP 2: life, sex, men, women, happiness, death, love, religion

group 3: salty, short, wrinkly, cheeto-tasting, moist, delicious, fuzzy, pasty, stinky, gangrene, horny, retarded, funky, fresh, literally amazing, mossy, fishy, viral, sexy, American, metrosexual, Republican, ridonkulous, Hitlerlike, Reaganesque, romantic, Mexican, beefy

(word from group 2) is like (word from group 1); So (word from group 3) it's (word from group 3)!

examples: Religion is like PB and J crustables, so mossy its retarded!

happiness is like nose goblins; so stinky its literally amazing!

Men is like taco salad; so Mexican its sexy!

ok so I need some work. help me out.


Current Mood: disappointed - no American Ido
Monday, April 5th, 2004
7:53 pm
I took the liberty to revamp the cheese quiz. You can thank me in hell.
1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:
"Relative to something else"
(from "A Special Theory of Relativity" by Alan Bold)

2: What is the body part you last scratched or wish you did?
The Crotch

3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Darryl Hannah E True Hollywood Story

4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what time it is:

5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?:

6: What is the first word you can think of (off the top of your head) that starts with a C?

7: When did you last shower?
perhaps last night before darryl hannah

8: Have you ever worn a dickie?
NO sir I am a lady.

9: What are you wearing?
Express Grey Cashmere Tee, Dogpile.com long sleeve shirt, inside-out Ohio State sweatshirt, Gap Long & lean size 6 faded denim jean pants, volleyball socks, old ass Diesel shoes, DKNY watch, Victoria's Secret thong underware, Victoria's Secret blue Miracle Bra, funky Common hat by Clover.

10: What was the last dream you remember?
I fell half-asleep at the tanning salon and the dream had something to do with being naked at a tanning salon.

11: When did you last laugh?
a few minutes ago, at myself for thinking about the word cumshot.

12: Do you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom?
god no

13: Seen anything weird lately?
yes. when i looked at your face.

14: What do you think of this quiz?
it sucks. good thing i am revamping it.

15: What is the last film you saw?
please do not remind me. (hint: abc family channel)

16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
tickets to Violent Femmes (April 17th and My Morning Jacket)

17: Tell me something about you that I don't know:
i stole pencils from the art room in 1st grade and one or two figures from Preschool.

18: If you could change one thing about the world that is completely selfish and irresponsible what would you do?
physical improvements in bust, skin and pelvis removal....

19: Would it really be so bad to be a janitor for a living?
i was going to say no but then i thought about it.

20: Ryan Seacrest: is he a power-crazy nutcase or some one who is finally doing something that has needed to be done for years?
the former
Vivienne, Louisa, Eloisa, Eloise, Lisette, Ella, Mai
21: Boy name for BABY: Errol, Jackson, Oliver
22: Would you ever consider smacking a broad? I am rick james bitch.

those that were there will appreciate THE WEEKEND WRAP UP:

(in no order)

Number One we've just begun, Hitler should be first in your life......
Pichos (pizza nachcos)
Pizach (pizza nachos)
Tricos (triangular taco)
Nathan's Taco Claw
staring at those guys at Hounddogs demonically until they offered their nachos and telling them: YOU ARE ON MTV'S THE BOILING POINT. THERES THE CAMERA. THANKS FOR BEING SO PATIENT. HERES 55 CENTS.
show me the way to tom's pants.
tom wearing my pants. bastard.
3 out of 5 people in this room llook ridiculous
keenan MIA for 2.5 hours and then showing up WITH BEER (the hero)
thrasher knows all the words to Taylor Dain's "Tell it to my heart
everybody dancing to Tell it to my Heart
daring zach to pour beer on eachoter for no reason
me and zach are mary kate and ashley olsen
the guy who goes through the rallys drive thru backwards, drops off two hats without saying anything.
gleghorn can i throw up in your sink
tom knows the girl who bought the kegs
winding up at some dudes house downstairs
everyone mixes up tom and nathan
kaity said some goth girl and some guy that no one knew was having sex in jen's bed (her roommate)
ok i am sorry this is really annoying for you all and it is time to stop.

Current Mood: sweaty
Thursday, April 1st, 2004
8:13 pm
movies are conversations made interesting.
So I 'started' a 'screenplay' last weekend. (use the finger-quotations please). But the most time and effort was spent on the funnest part:::: WHAT STARS ARE PLAYING MY FRIENDS! (note: some of these choices are about looks, but most are to capture what I feel is the important features of a person be it physical characteristics (like amanda's long blonde hair, my sister's slight frame, or gene's late beard), or some other factor (like jenny's judaism, nathan's intellectualism, keenan's artistic quality, eric's mystery) or a combo of both. so its NOT all about looks. keep this in mind. also, my mom reminds me that all should be played by YOUNG hollywood (like Julia Stiles, Elijah wood) so Julia Roberts Ben stiller and the like are mentioned just for kicks. second group for just-for-fun choices. BECAUSE the REST ARE SERIOUS BUSINESS

Catherine (my sis): Paris Hilton, Tara Reid, Nicole Kidman, Sarah Michelle Geller, Gwenyth Paltrow, Charlize Theron, Reese Witherspoon, Ashley Olsen

Al (her bf): Ryan Seacrest, Devon Sawa, Shane West, Paul Walker

Tom Gleghorn: Elijah Wood, Lucy Liu, Kieran Culkin, Giovanni Ribisi, Joseph Gordon Levitt(3rd rock from the sun), Topher Grace (70s show)

Nick: Jack Black

Nathan: Jeff Goldblum, Jack White, Adam Goldberg (dazed and confused), Silent Bob, Joseph Gordon Levitt, Woody Allen, Beck, Tom Waits

Amanda: Jodie Sweetin, Julia Stiles, Sarah Polley, Sarah Jessica Parker, Drew Barrymore, Scarlett Johanson, Kate Hudson, Meg White, Christina Ricci, Kate Winslet

Daisy: Kirsten Dunst, Renee Zellwegger, Joey Lauren Adams (chasing amy), Drew Barrymore, Kate Hudson, Reese Witherspoon

Vanessa: Julia Roberts, Katie Holmes, Mischa Barton (o.c.), Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johanson, Linda Cardellini (freaks and geeks), Debra Messing, Uma Thurman, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattral, Jennifer Connelly

Gene: Jason Lee, Ben Stiller, Ben Affleck, Jason London (Dazed and Confused), Owen Wilson, Jimmy Fallon, Matthew Lillard, Rachel Leigh Cook, Hyde from that 70s show

Conan: Topher Grace, Pat Sajack, Freddy Prince Jr, Tom Hanks, Chris Klein, Sean William Scott, Julianne Moore, Carrot Top

Keenan: Johnny Depp, Jason Schwartzman (Slackers and Phantom Planet) Billy Crudup (almost famous), Ashton Kutcher, Jared Leto, Marilyn Manson, Flea, Jake Gylenhaal

Thrasher: Matt Damon, Tom Selleck, Burt Reynolds, Ben Affleck, Sebastian Bach (from Skid Row)

Elizabeth: Gabby Hoffman (now and then), Debra Messing, Sarah Jessica Parker, Rachel Leigh Cook, Jennifer Connelly, Charlotte from Sex and the City

Jenny Levenstein: Claire Danes, Natalie Portman, Dana from Step by Step
7:48 pm
Fun game!
The Match-Em Up was unsuccessful so I thought I would try something easier.
Is this a Seinfeld quote or excerpt from my sis's diary (circa 1996, she was a 4th grader or 5th grader)?

1. Those hip musicians and their complicated shoes.

2. Some lady told us our car was overheating at the parking lot at eastland. me and v-shu got bushwacked trying to find mom. we didnt even get any clothes. Im still steamed.

3. I said "I love you" once. To a dog. He rolled over and licked himself.

4. My boyfriend said I got gonorrhea from riding a tractor with my bathing suit on.

5. A song me and Robin wrote: "Hi my name is Suzy Sue. Do you wear size 8 in shoe?"

6. I though C.J. and I were on the Midnight train to Splitsville. But ALL ABOARD! We're back together.

7. Every time i I think you are the shallowest man I know, you somehow drain a little bit more from the pool.

8. Sometimes I hate my life. No one's got the hots for me.

9. Mom wrote a note saying if we got our chores done we could go to JCPENNEY! Is that cool or what?

10. I am a Coquettish Habidasher.

11. I'm still afraid of the elevator.

12. They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry... I don't know what's going on with the papayas!

13. Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?

14. Happy Thanksgiving! I got to pick out some really cool napkins!

15. Someone told me Zack liked Connie so I kicked her. (she didn't know it was on purpose.)

16. The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.

17. I went to City Center with Mom, Dad, Vanessa, Grandma Jean. you know, the wild bunch.

18. well. here it is. Revco is closing down. lets all wish for the best.

19. I saw someone on the street eating M&M's with a spoon.

answers posted monday.

Vshu Out.

Current Mood: hungry like m and ms
Wednesday, March 24th, 2004
8:09 pm
One week in the living room will do this to a girl. also, A'mour
How can anyone respectable talk about Love in English? There's only four letters and three of them are simply dull. And how can anyone respectable wrongly assume that after ten months she's on the verge of something? That her eyes are open?
Last Thursday Thrasher and I turned off the lights and hid under the covers like we were playing. I foolishly requested Ben Folds Five on the Winamp. ("Mr. Jones pt. 2 that awful dreary moan). And I foolishly told him something. The something measured three feet (or words). And, stupidly, I tried to recreate a poem I wrote. About Camel Lights, and "Idiot Wind" by Dylan and the Something. One of the points I recently read is that hallucinations, fantasies and dreams are made up of clips in the brain that actually happened. or something of the like. So Imagination is a sham. and Love - the most common, poorest fantasy - is a sham. Probably anyone could convince themselves to love anything. Most of us prefer a man who is a Broom under our toes. Belize from "Angels in America"
"Justice is simple. Democracy is simple. Those things are unambivalent. But love is very hard."

Worst of all, my poem is unoriginal.
I wish once, just once, something is what it ought to be. And I am going to make a silly point - that the insane have it easy. I am sick of the disappointments of reality. I'm ready to trade it in for something else, other than cynacism. In the dark last Thursday, under those green covers on 17th, at a certain angle Thrasher looked sort of beautiful. The way only a beautiful woman or a child can look beautiful. Crisp, clear, smooth features like a fine photograph. I think he moved or I looked away and I didn't see it again.
It's not that he didn't return the I love you. I know where we stand. But I don't know how to make something special. He didn't call it love and he didn't call it a moment. And the latter is what makes me sad. And since then he's missed all my points. And I haven't missed him.

Current Mood: disappointment
Friday, March 12th, 2004
3:33 pm
(Disclaimer: there is nothing to be gained from reading this. spend your time in better ways, like making love to your loving lover, or telling someone the truth which is in short supply these days. as i see it.)
Spring break is coming and I will tell you why this is acceptable. so that I can see my dogs. so that i wont find some sort of subtle, rude gesture every time I walk into my room. so that i dont have to bundle up and walk up hills to transmit information. so that i can stay home and relax in peace. so that i can show my mom my poetry and she can say that she is proud of me the same way she did when i wrote those retarded stories in third grade about Brandon Coleman,when i was potty trained presumably, when i (along with everyone) won a presidential academic fitness award, and when I put on a purple smock and high school was pronounced dead.
this is the loneliest of all computer labs. and trust me, comp labs are the most miserable places on earth. they are filled with people who either have nothing else to do and trying to get away from their lame residence or people so disconnected they have no other way to access the electronic world. these are people who have their own pathetic story to tell. usually its just that they're foreign or poor. all miserable pathetic persons and miserable pathetic grey-friday afternoon stories. I dont know which is saddest.
Such disenchantment I feel that I am thinking about visiting carolyn, alex, mike or eric (friends from the dorms last year) but then I have to call and carolyn and alex always depress me. not to mention what if their roommates are there instead of them, then I have to stay and chat like we actually want to talk to eachother. and ackley is so pimply and cuts his toenails and doesnt put them in the trashcan. I think I will give old Jane a buzz. i want to go to old skool with my sister and friends, or visit with one of these haverfield people, or with Kaity, or see the movie with phil. but i will do none of these things. i operate in patterns and i do not move or shake. when i was 8 i was playing on a swing and fell on my face and instead of getting up and dusting myself off I laid there and cried. my stupid friend Jenni McGough thought i was the neighbors baby.
getting high is so stupid. cigarettes tasted SO bad last night. also. its like on the one hand I was completely more objective when i was high- saw things how they really were. like, how bad cigarettes tasted, how different men and women treat eachother, how annoying everyone is (including myself), how no one is cooler or less cool than anyone else, how bad or good some music is (jack johnson is not for me )stuff like that. but on the other hand I was far more sensitive and tense. which is silliness. whatever the case I stand by high and sober vanessas as they are really the same vanessa, with different influences. but getting high is not really for me anyways because I just get so down. knowing me I will probably do it tomorrow or tonight again anyways. for lack of anything better to feel. which is a stupid reason to do anything.
and the cycle continues.
thrasher and I have been together for 10 months. and i imed him "10 months" and he said "i know. for nine days now" I tell you. Just when you think you have somebody figured out they go and know the day they met you. which is a surprise. and i hate how he makes himself the victim even when i am complimenting him. sometimes I just get so sick of it. and where do the ducks go in the winter?

Current Mood: out of stock
Thursday, March 11th, 2004
10:38 am
pleasant thursday pie
From an English Professor of mine, in an e-mail to me:
I was relaying what has become a commonplace observation about the
issue of identity more or less since Michel Foucault's History of Sexuality.
Identity used to be most simply defined in religious terms--we are our
souls, given by God at birth and potentially redeemable at death. Also, in
earlier social stages, people were identified by their place in the social
order, from kings to serfs, and including people like Smiths. Later social
class, family lineage & wealth became defining characteristics. With the age
of psychoanalysis people became identified with their subconscious, and as
Freud explored the subconscious it was increasingly seen as defined by erotic
drives. Towards the end of the nineteenth century legions of "sexologists"
began characterizing distinct sexual types, conferring an idea of sexual
identity for the first time. Obviously, what I've just written is a crude
overview, but you might want to read Foucault on the subject. And if you're
interested in pursuing current notion of the self & of identity, I could
suggest some other books as well.
David Riede

Aren't the desires of human beings far too complex for characterization? Isn't this the main problem with homosexual marriage - that we are calling them homosexuals rather than by their first names?
Personally, I am bored with the laundry list of labels that follow my name. If our sexual drives can be displayed the same as our gender and nationality, what's next? our dreams? the way we think? in pictures or words, sounds or blurs... There were no homosexuals before the age of Freud, so God and His Biblemen simply could not outlaw their marriages.

Today is a sad day. The last day of Art Ed 160, a wonderful, sentimental class that you all would enjoy. Luckily, today was also the day we covered Radiohead. We watched the Just (you do it to yourself) video which is truly magnificent. If you have seen it, let's set up a discussion for it, starting with these question: why was the man lying on the sidewalk? more importantly, do you think the reason he is lying on the sidewalk inconsequential to the fact that his lying on the sidewalk (in a business suit no less) caused such a stir.

we are having some poetry reading in class and we get to eat candy and snap. Finally college is what it is dreamt to be.

i am also having a good hair day.

Current Mood: delightful
Wednesday, March 10th, 2004
10:15 am
Yesterday I went to the showing of my aunt Nancy, a Kenyan woman who married my uncle a year ago. No one was crying and there were only a few people when I got there. Two of her Kenyan relatives, her daughter and neice, were there from the beginning and they were asking what they were supposed to do. Eventually more of my family trickled in, somberly at first and then increasingly talkative and upbeat. Anyways when my little cousin Tiffany came with her parents the mood was significantly lightened. WHen she wandered over to the open casket all ten of us (or so) congregated there as well, as if it were finally acceptable to see her since we could distract ourselves with looking after Tiffany. She kept standing on tiptoes looking in on her and then looking back at us adults. She kept saying "Nancy!" too the same way she did when she was looking and pointing at her pictures. And all of a sudden things were kind of silent and we were all kind of wondering if she would try to wake Nancy up. Maybe we secretly wanted her to. Eventually Tiffany, in an act of genius, put her finger to her mouth as if to say "shhh she's sleeping." I think it was my Mom who whispered "aw she doesnt understand." And I think it was only me who realized that none of us did either.

Current Mood: blank
Friday, March 5th, 2004
4:46 pm
paid the cost to be the vshu
What is the deal with days?
This one keeps going from bad to good and back again. lets recap.

(-) woke up to find that the roommates threw away my poster of intolerable cruelty that I liked.
(-) the dumb guy that keeps writing stuff about me on my dry erase board revised his comment to read : vanessa is so hot way out of my league - but only when she dolls herself up.
wtf? i dont want to feel like i have to put makeup and high heels on walking to the elevator in the lamest dorm on campus otherwise i will suffer a bad review. so i erased it and wrote: Don't look at me
(+) i got 2 big juices instead of one at oxleys for 1 meal plan
(+) it was a beautiful day! hot
(-) i was wearing jeans instead of shorts or a skirt.
(+) job interview at long's went well. i answered the bullshit questions well. i think that is an unsung asset. the guy liked volleyball a lot. also, kaity told me people who worked there said i was too hot to work there. great now I have to doll myself up to get a good review just because I came in there once with a revealing shirt on.
(-) the job is only for two weeks
(-) the other job at the office has yet to call me back
(+) went to kaitys to get my bike. she told me to call her at nine so we can go to gabe's to party. YALL BETTER BE UP FOR THIS- I KNOW CONAN AND AMANDA ARE!!
(+) tanning is always a plus. if fake sunlight can do it to you think about what the real sun can do! i suspect i am the only one at the place that changes the personal readio to NPR. keenan- chuck close was on! listen to it online if you wish. it was pretty good. they gave barbarian invasions and of course fog of war A's. conan and lauryn- the reviewers kept comparing mcnamara to rumsfeld. they also quoted eliot the director from the academy awards acceptance speech. it was gold of course. RABBIT HOLE = IRAq.
(-) i go to comp lab for lj catch up and I read keenans and immediately assume i have offended him. i get upset with myself.
(+) i read on and see conan's entry which he was probably mostly responding to.
(-) no one tried a hand at my lyric match em up. was it too hard? ok i will put the song titles. also, i assume its because you all do not have the type of time on your hands that I set aside for live journal. this is understandable. but i guess I was wrong about you all liking blowjobs, daffodils and coupons. (nazis)
(-) goddamn macs (im sorry they happen to be macs, and difficult to use ones at that) at the ramseyer hall computer lab stopped working. the guy asked me how long I needed to be there because he needed to shut down the computers because it was too hot for them to operate. wtf its 70 degrees! so i lost an entry and had to write it again (second time that has happened there!)now i am at the lamest computer lab with the lamest computers- science and tech.

i havent eaten since noon. what will this day bring?? are my shorts in my drawer? when will I see conan? wont someone please take a stab at my lyric match em up?

these questions and more will be answered in the following life of Vanessa "the tool man" Cromer

p.s. unrelated note- people who give blow jobs for 40 minutes (all through 11 oclock news and leno's monologue) should receive the nobel peace prize no questions asked.

Current Mood: mouth tired
Thursday, March 4th, 2004
2:29 pm
ev'ry frontdoor woman doggone has a backdoor man
WHAT A MARvelous, stupifying splendiferous day! Ok that was an exaggeration. But everyone in my class loved my last poem! no one even had any suggestions for revision! I am so proud and I can't wait to go home for Spring Break and show my mom.
also, i am finally seeing Thrasher today after a week of absence. Finally the thrasher-bashing and angry vshu politics will cease as it always does when I visit him and remember how great he is.

damnit! why does EVERYONE including people who have JUST started live journal (amanda king bean) know how to do everything in it but me. I JUST WANT TO UNDERLINE SOMETIMES and maybe italicize. but then you have these muthafuckas with WORKS OF ART and font size changing. i feel like you are members of a club i dont have a jacket for.

I think Michael Jackson's best moves are in the Beat It video. your thoughts_______
yeah ok you're right.

From an e-mail from my Aunt Val - Yes, the weather is great, - you are right, your mom and i walked down High Street with the highest of heels!!! Ah, to bring back the time of youth, long hair flowing, heads a turning,.............Now I walk down High Street in pants and tennis shoes, and the only heads a turning are those asking for money
Heres a poem about the artifice and unfulfillment of sex:

Mock Orange - Louise Gluck

It is not the moon, I tell you
It is these flowers
lighting the yard.

I hate them.
I hate them as I hate sex,
the man's mouth
sealing my mouth, the man's
paralyzing body -

and the cry that always escapes,
the low, humiliating
premise of union -

In my mind tonight
I hear the question and pursuing answer
fused in one sound
that mounts and mounts and then
is split into the old selves,
the tired antagonisms. Do you see?
We were made fools of.
And the scent of mock orange
drifts through the window.

How can I rest?
How can I be content
when there is still
that odor in the world?

How could I ever have spoken such shit about Live JOurnal in the past? without it we all would have lost something. I wouldn't have known what would happen in the future (nathan) or Bush's economic plan, or the way to make a compilation properly according to amanda, or that lauryn has a urinary tract infection. sweet sweet journaling soothes like ben gay without the lovely smell or icy hot sensations or anything else like ben gay more like a long ass conversation that everyone keeps interrupting and now i have to end the sentence.

back by unpopular demand- VSHU MATCH EM UP

1. you stole my money, my cigarette.
2. piece of paper in her hand
3. forsake not your brother
4. I loved you since I knew ya
I wouldn't talk down to ya
I have to tell you just how I feel
I won't share you with another boy
I know my mind is made up
So put away your make up
5.run run run run run run run away
6. she brought me the news/ that my wife was dead
7. when you're rocking and rolling/ can't hear your momma call
8. that's why you prosecute I
9. miss ____sure like to ball
11.he gets me in the dark and he says hes my man
but when we walk down the street he never holds my hand
12.nobody loves me nobody seems to care
well worries and troubles darling
you know ive had my share
13.Got rhythm i can't miss a beat
got new skank its so reet
got something im winking at you

The Pretenders, brass in pocket (2 x)
Ike & TIna Turner
Leadbelly (hint: the song is-- twelve oclock special) (2 x)
Al Green (song - take me to the _____)
Talking Heads
Bob Marley and the Wailers (2 x)
B.B. King
The Police
Little Richard
answers next post. winner receives a blow job
second place - daffodil
third place - coupon for Little Bistro on high street

Current Mood: WAS elated now deflated
Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004
1:34 pm
A response to the head in my head
Where do I begin?

Heres one -
I think Flea and Meg White should collaborate on something. THey are both the forgotten sidekicks caught up in something bigger than themselves. like most of us are. They have lovely subtle voices. listen to COld, COld Night and Pea and you will find out where the w.m.d's are.

Another thing:
What is up with keenan's friday post? I've heard of random, shit I AM random but that was bordering on republican, which is much harder to understand. of course Kerry would like to cut the deficit in half in his term. so would bush and anyone else for that matter. and its easy when you promise tax cuts to the wealthy that will go into effect long after you are out of office and cut all sorts of programs repeating the mantra No child is left behind. (except that they are)
also, Carol Mosely Braun hasnt been a presidential candidate for months now.

Thrasher is voting for Bush now. Coincidentally we are not doing so hot. He goes home for one weekend and comes back a republican. I guess his dad convinced him he has a good economic policy. job loss is great for the economy isn't it? also that kerry's 4,000$ a student state college plan wont work. I told him, at least he has a plan.
anyways the thing is i havent been able to convince him of anything for alll of the 8 months we've been together. i am not talking politics i am talking a never-ending stream of playful arguments that never substantiate into conversations.
and i am reminded we have little in common. he likes cats I like dogs. he is catholic i am athiest. he was the fat kid in middle school (in his own words) i was the tall skinny one. im for kerry hes for bush. and musically, where its really important, we barely overlap in the categories of Clash and jazz.
but he is very good to me.

anyways i will finish this later. i have ameeting with a poetry teacher. the next post will be full of lollipops and blowjobs and daffodils the way it should.

one last thought from
woody allen in Hannah and her Sisters:
"If jesus came down to earth and saw the things going on in his name he would never stop throwing up"

Current Mood: frazzled- on edge
Tuesday, February 24th, 2004
2:00 pm
Idiot Wind

pittsburgh was a treat. how can i respond or add anything to the miasma of ideas and celebration my clever friends have created? (sidenote: i forget what miasma means)
redundancy is lame so I will list a series of responses. match them up to the word bank of subjects:

Tom's Post
Keenan's Post
Amanda's Post
Possible Lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody
Conan "Matt"

1. THANK YOU KEENAN: for your ceaseless optimism, unique perspective, one-liners, rotini bow-ties, and naked knee caps. you are a brilliant asset to the group- the Jackson Pollock hanging on our wall.

2. song that defined senior year of high school: Last NIght - The Strokes

3. Nathan is the most Dude-like? no way. he is more like Yoda with all of his wisdom and foreign speaking.

4. Beelzebub had a devil for a sidekick weeeeeeeeeeee oh weeeeeeeeeeeeee oh

5. dude, you have a amullet. and im voting for Nader. hahahhahahahahhaahhahah

Next topic: what is the deal with Keenan and fish?

Current Mood: androgyny
Thursday, February 19th, 2004
8:23 pm
a backward Forward
NOte: the preceding entry is full of mistakes, often hard to follow and in typical vshu-style rambling. in my defense i do not have time or interest in corrections. call it stream of consciousness. what the hell am i listening to? answer- motherfucking chrissie hynde with UB40 doing "I got you babe" hahahah i do not have time for htis i have to put on deoderant and go to thrashers!

^ accurate example of how i think.



Current Mood: SWEATY
7:27 pm
Broken strands of Poetry are the best i can do
What a day! heres why: a deep appreciation of being alive-- why? because I can walk without a coat. how liberating!secondly, the unabashed simplicity of that last statement makes being alive 67% better. thirdly, validation that i can write! betsy wheeler the ta personally encouraged Mic Wesson (philosophy major with round lips) and Myself (the english major with carly simon mouth) to continue this poetry path including applying to the 500level writing class that follows this one. I apologize for being so self-congratulatory, but the truth is I need validation, i love validation...unstable self esteem...self conciousness-- all are characteristics of me and im ok with that.
another reason for celebration: GOd I love the fucking Pretenders. (just bought their singles)
reason * - going to thrashers in a half hour or so! he is a great man and a true fit for me. all I can ask is that we appreciate eachother's originality, creativity, spark... or maybe that we have a great time together, or respect eachother... im not sure the x factor that binds two persons but i do know it is not the cliche mystery of 'chemistry' which is sometimes described as lust. most definitely the bind is a fusion of a number of things of course...also, like LOST IN TRANSLATION hints, at the end of the day we are two individuals.
whose lives intersect
hmm is this what i want to say? I do not have time to clarify and create a thesis. i am at a computer lab for chrissakes.

my computer will not turn on. the button is futile. who does this type of thing happen to? keenan? not in this case. its me. is this a metaphor? yes.
so, i really enjoyed reading all of the great posts. i particularly enjoy Sams daring entries, the frankness and clarity of Tom, the positivity and delight in Erins and the meditation and wit of Amanda. thank you all (on my friends list) for your contribution to the human dialogue. i commented on all that could.

Topics of interest:
Valentines Day: so absolutely wonderful. simple. pleasurable. highlights beautiful roses in a vase, i paid for the tip, ate my first olive (hated it) had a fancy italian "squirt" a nice conversation about our top 5 dream jobs, i wore an amazingly short skirt and classy vertical striped express blouse, funky hjigh heels and a purse to die for (you konw the one) -- i dont remember what he wore- - also watched a absolutely fantastic film- o brother where art thou. i will not comment on the sex for the sake of being partially a lady, he showed me (finally) his AMAZING photographs - such depth and texture- and recordings of his high school ska band (i know) JOhnny 2 Tone and the smashers - again, i know- he played the trombone. he is very good. but again its ska. ska that covers the same songs as one of those female bands in 10 things i hate about you. he also gave me a wonderful terquoise ring.
Black Keys Concert: i already wrote a 5 page paper on it so theres not so much left to say except it was alive, wonderful, fresh, everthing you would want ... a duo of drums and guitar. they sound convincingly like Howlin' WOlf.
Conan Weekend: I love conan.

On Poetry: who would have thought the classes that i am taking (eng 260 and 266) would absorb so much of my thought, sleep, ramblings, musings. goddamn it i am choking on it and exhausted by it. do you know how hard it is to say something intelligent, important, fresh through one, or multiple developed and specific images...but without describing (Ezra Pound cries: leave the describing to the artist!) and of course with a certain rhythm, 'flow' --- no end-stops, tedium, repetition (no wait thats good its a anaphan!) and sometimes you have to follow other rules too- like 10 syllables per line with 5 stressed, 5 unstressed and make sure the first one is stressed always but sometimes you can do the second one ....ok doyou get the point?

anyways i have to develop strategies to motivate me:
1. Writing Poetry is like trying to conceive a child. you have to do it as often and for as long as possible without protection.
(self-conssciousness, doubt is protection --- hey im trying to link this shit)

2. Since i lack any musical ability, this is my chance to write songs! to ROCK OUT cerebreally (word?)
patti smith started as a poet at Tuesday open mics at CBGB back when winos and hells angels hung out there...it was not well received so she added a guitar. the rest is history. shes odd, shes thin.

something: my mom said i reminded her of jennifer aniston's character in ALong CAme Polly. this is due to her long messy brown hair, style, quirkiness, apartment decor. i think thats it. please let me know if you have seen this movie so we can compare notes.

I do not want to graduate college. I understand this is a cliche thought for sophomores or freshmen, but i have a feeling that it will not change that considerably in time. im an english major with unenthusiastic hopes of teaching high school. the reason that i dont want to graduate is a notion i think a lot of you out there may identify. LIke the Architect, the POli sci, womens studies, soc., philosophy major or the Artist, I am captured by great ideas and a sky of inspiration. to be more specific every new poet i learn about, great book, author, or even my own original thought reminds me of what it is i love. to graduate means giving all of that up for mediocrity and conventionalism. again to be more specific, graduating means putting down Emerson to cut coupons.

Current Mood: LIBERATED
Thursday, February 12th, 2004
7:36 pm
So many subjects so much goddamn time
Goddamn is a great word.

thought 2- On valentines day: I AM ALREADY SICK OF THIS HOLIDAY. Now, I have a boyfriend, I am not very lonely and the Lord knows i like to wear a skirt and buy romantic cards (its true. they are no.28 and 14 on my list)...so why the resentment? I will tell you why: You gotta make a goddamn dinner reservation. you have to call the right place..not too expensive not too TGIFridays...and you have to make a reservation early, like more than a week before.(which means the woman has to be organized and hip) you gotta make sure that you have a way to get there (damn buick wont start and needs air in the tires every 5 miles, no joke) you have to know the directions, then you have to work out whos paying for what- i do not expect the male to pay regardless, yet the payment-confrontation is the most awkward of all confrontations because serious social norms are being broken. then you gotta make sure you get him a gift. an appropriate male-oriented valentines day gift. the right price equal to what he got you, thoughtful, fun, perfect. what is that gift?????? and it certainly does not help that he is all: "trattoria roma? sounds expensive" "looks like im going to drain my bank account this weekend" and im all like: "you dont have to get me anything" and then hes like: "well no i want to" and so i get him something and tell him about it and hes like "i thought we werent doing this" and then i get confused and he literally says "i dont know whats going on here." I MEAN, WHATS THE DEAL!????!?!?!? all this for the sake of celebrating love? is the problem all of the complex social customs or that thrasher and I are misfits who are both abandoning the norms (me wanting to pay and buy him Chappelle's Show Season 1)?? Or is it that Thrasher and I are cheap and nervous bastards? (your thoughts here_________)

thought 3: I had no idea people were seriously excited about Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ. It turns out there are such people. I suppose persons of certain faiths may be particulary moved by it, but I prefer to abstain from movies by insensitive, irresponsible morons. Now this is a big statement so I will back it up.
1. He was forced to delete a scene that was too hurtful to jewish people and may fuel anti-semitism. Now I know shamefully little about Christ's last days, but it seems pretty obvious to me that when you blame Jewish people for the whole shebang you are asking for trouble. From the NYT:

"A scene in the film in which the Jewish high priest Caiaphas calls down a kind of curse on the Jewish people by declaring of the Crucifixtion, "His blood be on us and on our children," will not be in the movie's final version...Jewish leaders had warned that the passage from Matthew 27:25 was the historic source for many of the charges that of deicide and Jews' collective guilt in the death of Jesus."

2. In a New York Times Magazine article last March, Mr. Gibson's father denied the Holocaust took place. WHen asked about it Mel answered that he loved his father. Then the interviewer asked more forwardly: The Holocause happened right? and this is his reply:

"I have friends and parents of friendswho have numbers on their arms. The guy who taught me Spanish was a Holocaust survivor. He worked in a concentration camp in France. Yes of course. Atrocities happened. War is horrible. The second world war killed tens of millions of people. Some of them were Jews in concentration camps. Many people lost their lives. In the Ukraine several million starved to death between 1932 and 1933. During the last century 20 million people died in the Soviet Union.

Clearly he is downplaying it and avoiding a clear and sympathetic answer. Rabbi Hier: "To describe Jewish suffering as 'some of them were Jews in concentration camps' is an afterthought that feeds right into the hands of Holocaust deniers and revisionists."
some guy named Foxman: "at the very least it was ignorant, at the very most its insensitive. and you know what? He doesn't get that either. He doesn't begin to understand the difference between people dying in a famine and people being cremated solely for what they are."

4. Life is so damn comic. I will spare you my cliche rhetoric and go right to the point: i have a lot of time on my hands. i have so much time on my hands that i take naps just to pass the hours. today: decided not to go to my poetry class #1 (personal reasons) (im sick of bulshitting painfully) so here i am with a whole day of nothing before me. i get home (if thats what you call a dorm) at 10:30 or so (took the long Campus Loop) and decided the rest of my day would be spent reading the paper, some Vonnegut, deleting embarassing files from my computer, trip to rag-a-rama and the antique store, then going to a poetry reading at 7 and hopefully toms afterward with keenan. What actually happened: read the paper (2 days worth!) 5 pages of God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater, watched half an hour of conan reruns, fell asleep until 5:30, talked onthe phone to carolyn (her roommate/best friend is accusing her and alex of a semen stain on the outside of the shower curtain) then had a meal at the commons. HIGHLIGHTS: the pink dessert at the commons, hearing a sample of all blues by miles davis in art ed, and listening to the white stripes onthe bus (dear god i think i love that band more than life itself. i wish i could date an album) It appears that something is missing. The bitch is, I know myself and if I got a job (its hard getting a job in my opinion!!)or took more classes (hey i tried...) etc. i would still feel the void. the problem now is that now i am so painfully aware of every nuance-- every issue, emotion is ballooned into deep gloom, or evidence of loneliness...or patheticism (not a word). The walls become even more drab, my skin is drier , my writing assignments more doubtful.

hey erin and amanda (if you are reading this) welcome to the friend list! the next entry will be far more pleasant! stay tuned-- the weekend is coming!

-Vanessa "Vshu" Cromer Esq.

Current Mood: I AM IDLE
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