Spring break is coming and I will tell you why this is acceptable. so that I can see my dogs. so that i wont find some sort of subtle, rude gesture every time I walk into my room. so that i dont have to bundle up and walk up hills to transmit information. so that i can stay home and relax in peace. so that i can show my mom my poetry and she can say that she is proud of me the same way she did when i wrote those retarded stories in third grade about Brandon Coleman,when i was potty trained presumably, when i (along with everyone) won a presidential academic fitness award, and when I put on a purple smock and high school was pronounced dead.
this is the loneliest of all computer labs. and trust me, comp labs are the most miserable places on earth. they are filled with people who either have nothing else to do and trying to get away from their lame residence or people so disconnected they have no other way to access the electronic world. these are people who have their own pathetic story to tell. usually its just that they're foreign or poor. all miserable pathetic persons and miserable pathetic grey-friday afternoon stories. I dont know which is saddest.
Such disenchantment I feel that I am thinking about visiting carolyn, alex, mike or eric (friends from the dorms last year) but then I have to call and carolyn and alex always depress me. not to mention what if their roommates are there instead of them, then I have to stay and chat like we actually want to talk to eachother. and ackley is so pimply and cuts his toenails and doesnt put them in the trashcan. I think I will give old Jane a buzz. i want to go to old skool with my sister and friends, or visit with one of these haverfield people, or with Kaity, or see the movie with phil. but i will do none of these things. i operate in patterns and i do not move or shake. when i was 8 i was playing on a swing and fell on my face and instead of getting up and dusting myself off I laid there and cried. my stupid friend Jenni McGough thought i was the neighbors baby.
getting high is so stupid. cigarettes tasted SO bad last night. also. its like on the one hand I was completely more objective when i was high- saw things how they really were. like, how bad cigarettes tasted, how different men and women treat eachother, how annoying everyone is (including myself), how no one is cooler or less cool than anyone else, how bad or good some music is (jack johnson is not for me )stuff like that. but on the other hand I was far more sensitive and tense. which is silliness. whatever the case I stand by high and sober vanessas as they are really the same vanessa, with different influences. but getting high is not really for me anyways because I just get so down. knowing me I will probably do it tomorrow or tonight again anyways. for lack of anything better to feel. which is a stupid reason to do anything.
and the cycle continues.
thrasher and I have been together for 10 months. and i imed him "10 months" and he said "i know. for nine days now" I tell you. Just when you think you have somebody figured out they go and know the day they met you. which is a surprise. and i hate how he makes himself the victim even when i am complimenting him. sometimes I just get so sick of it. and where do the ducks go in the winter?